How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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