eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Mom said you looked used
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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