I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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