Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
