Cold hands, warm shart.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
