My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
