I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
