I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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