I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
