Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
