i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
