just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
