My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Drunk is not a location!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
