It's Friday. Sex?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize