i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
