Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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