he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize