hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
