your parents love me but you hate me
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
