my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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