So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I can't turn off my feet"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
