I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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