Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
