i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
