checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
