I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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