Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize