epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
