Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
