John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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