How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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