My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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