if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
