Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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