You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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