the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
