I'm really into asian looking animals
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
