'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
