I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
