he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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