Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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