I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
