apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
