my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she told me i tasted like america
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
