you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
