I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
