Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
