the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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