I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
