so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
