My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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