I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
