The maid of honor just puked.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
