I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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