Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
