and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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